Aggression can take a different form than the usual active version of it. Passive aggression is an equally disruptive quality that ruins relations. This form of aggression is seen in those who have tried to repress their aggression due to the fear of outright confrontation. When aggression gets repressed, it tries to leak out in one form or another through subtler cravings for control. We end up making comments that may seem neutral but has an underlying dig that instils doubts in them. It may seem completely normal on the outside, but it's a subtle form of manipulation that stirs their guilt. And we may even pretend to be innocent despite being fully aware of how words can hurt. Humans are capable of balancing such contrasting views.
Chronic passive-aggressive people have high amounts of energy, just like the active aggressors, but the only difference is that the former lacks the confidence to confront people. This is probably caused due to neglecting or domineering nature of their parents who provided little or no attention. Passive aggression is a tool they use to get attention and assert their will while steering clear of any kind of punishment. The following are the types of passive aggressor types and how to counter such types.
1. The subtle king: These types feel that they are somehow superior to you. They are always late and will continue to repeat the pattern. And if they are confronted, they say stuff like "I have a lot going on in my mind right now and you are being unsympathetic, it's not my fault". They may even accuse you of adding to their problems. The main cause of this behaviour is that they somehow feel they are superior to you and that their problems can't even be compared to what others are facing. You can tell they are of this type as they are usually whiny when confronted, they act as if the problems is yours and not theirs and will be unsincere with their apologies. The best way to counter such types is to keep cool, as they love getting a rise out of you, and show them your superiority by remaining calm.
2. The victim: This type always tries to gain sympathy by playing the victim while relishing the drama. Once they feel that you have fallen into their trap, they will start asking you favours. They prey on those who are sensitive and caregiving people who are more prone to guilt. The main issue with dealing with these types is that they actually have some of the other problems most of the time. And these are usually the result of their own negligent behaviour. True victims never feel like explaining their stories to get sympathy. Passive aggressors, on the other hand, are dying to tell your their problems and to swim in your attention. They convince you through symptoms like headache, anxiety and other ailments. They literally can make themselves sick with worry. They think their way into depression. And these ailments also pop up when they feel that you are pulling away from their drama. The best counter is to cut off these people from your life, which is easier said than done. You have to understand that they will drown, taking you with them. You should use your controlled aggression and realize the amount of energy you end up spending on them.
3. The dependent: These types befriend someone very easily. They show interest in your stories of hardships. They make you dependent on them for emotional support. But every now and then they become cold. This will force you to analyze yourself, trying to find something that you've said or done to make them be so. Their parents might be the type of people who shower their kids with attention, and when the kids show any signs of independence, they will become passive-aggressive. To please their mothers, they will listen to whatever they say, unwillingly, and will end up behaving in the same manner with others. The way to counter this is by being wary of those who try to become friends very quickly. Guage their motives if you do encounter such behaviours. Notice patterns of coldness and friendliness. If so, the best solution is to cut them off.
4. The gaslighter: These types will insinuate doubts by slipping an insult in their compliments. For example, "Congratulations on the job. You'll be making a lot of money right? You did really well for someone of your background". They may even push their limits and make harsh jokes and if you end up calling them on those jokes, they will just say " It was only a joke". They will insinuate doubts in you to make you think that you were the bad guy all along. They relish in reminding you of the sad news that you are putting up with. The best counter to this is to realize that they are doing this out of envy. Return genuine praise to their 'praises'. They get pleasure from your rise. Just don't give them that, and they will end up pursuing someone else.
5. Blame shifters: These are very annoying types of people. They might have ignored you. They might have given you a cold shoulder. You might have gotten a feeling of being used by them. And you approach them with the matter, they somehow get a whiff of your mood. They in turn will keep a disappointed look and say things like "Fine if that's how you feel". Their apologies make you feel that they don't feel that they have done anything wrong and this will make us question ourselves if we did something in the past that still bothers them. And most of the time we aren't really sure of it either. They may even push your buttons to make you angry, just to defend themselves. This makes you paranoid and pushes you into making yourself a villain. The blame shifters will go so far as to get all others onto their side by gaining their sympathy. The best counter for this is to remain unaffected by their drama and not try and play them in this game since they are probably really good at it. Disengage with these types. Find genuine faults and rectify them.
6. The tyrant: These are usually bosses who are always demanding perfection. He may praise you at times, and other times he will criticize you badly. You'll never know what makes him angry. You always will end up pushing yourself harder to please him. The same can also happen in relationships. Their thought is: "If people know me well and know what I want, they will have a slight edge over me. If they can't understand my patterns of rewards and punishments, I'll always have the upper hand". The only counter is to quit such a place. No amount of pain is worth the position.
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