Humans have always needed attention. Our worth seems to come from what other people think of us. Desperate people end up trying too hard to please others, which leads them to become repulsive. We continuously are reminded of how we cannot rely on others for a constant stream of validation, and yet we seem to be addicted to the self-gratification we get. To counter this problem, we create an image of ourselves and end up giving self-validation in times when we don't get any from the outside. We accentuate our positive qualities and overlook our shadows. This pushes us farther away from being rational, and when someone gives us a genuine observation, our defences come up as though we are being attacked. This is typical narcissistic behaviour.
The image we create in our heads acts as a balance. If we feel too low, our image can help us have enough self-confidence so as to not lose hope. And if we are too up in the clouds, it can help you ground yourself to the ground. Narcissistic people can't do the latter. In fact, they create their images in such a manner that they will never let themselves see their negative lights. Their balance is tipped too far off the equilibrium.
Narcissism begins early. In fact, all kids are narcissists. When they are growing, kids will realize that their mothers will not always be there to look after them, to give them their instant gratification. This will nudge them in the direction of being independent. But the problem arises when the mothers are too involved in their kid's lives. They don't allow the kids to establish their own self-image. These mothers fear abandonment and hence don't give the kids enough freedom to realize, that not everything is about them (like their mother doctrines into their heads).
If the narcissist is an extroverted person, it won't be much trouble for him to realize his self-obsessed behaviours, as interactions with the other kids will bring him to his senses relatively soon. Although some may use their extroverted behaviour to further push their need for attention, which can lead them to continuously change their circle of friends in order to have a fresh audience along with more attention. But if the narcissist turns out to be introverted, that can cause a great amount of effort to come out of. Introverts retreat into their fantasy worlds in which they imagine themselves to be superior to others. These fantasies are too detached from the real world as this is the only way they get to satisfy their need for validation. This is also accompanied by self-doubts and self-loathing.
Introverted narcissists will either consider themselves as gods or as worms. There is no in-between. They don't have a lucid core, due to which their fantasies fluctuate depending on the personality they are trying on. The main storm arrives when they are in their 20s or 30s. They have failed to establish their balanced image in order to regulate their self-love. They will fall deeper into their fantasies. They are socially awkward and yet seem to radiate superiority.
In both cases, there will be moments of self-doubt which is inevitable. To escape from this wretched feeling, they will turn to alcohol and drugs to alleviate themselves from the feeling. This will allow their egos to turn a blind eye towards their self-centred nature. When the narcissist is challenged, they will usually react with anger and retaliation because they don't know of any other method of dealing with it. They will victimize themselves in order to gain sympathy and are always ready to shift blames onto others. You can notice narcissistic tendencies if the person is always trying to steer the conversations in their direction, and will show clear signs of envy when someone else gets the kind of attention that they should have been getting.
Narcissists always try to control people as though they were just another part of their body and they had full rights to do so. Some are talented enough to have a continuous supply of attention through their accomplishments. But most of them seem to lack concentration in their works and refuse to put in the efforts that are required for the kind of attention they are seeking. They are always worried about what the other person might think about them. The satire in this whole drama is that a narcissist has no coherent self to love even though the word 'narcissism' is supposed to depict self-love.
To cure this form of self-absorption, we need to first realize the narcissistic tendencies within us. These narcissistic behaviours bubble out in different spectrums. We must be true to our nature and we must know how to regulate it to convert it into healthy narcissism. This can help us accept healthy criticism and may even be able to have a laugh at ourselves. We will not require validation to feel whole. And the prevailing self-love can be turned outwards, into empathy. When our attention is outwards, rather than inwards, we see a positive effect on our overall being.
You can read more about this from the book: The Laws Of Human Nature. By Robert Greene.
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